DARVO: Examples of Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender
You brought up something that hurt you. Ten minutes later, you were the one apologizing. If you left the conversation wondering how that happened, you may have been on the receiving end of DARVO.
What Does DARVO Mean?
DARVO is an acronym coined by psychologist Jennifer Freyd. It describes a common reaction from people who are confronted about harmful behavior:
They deny the behavior happened, or deny that it was as serious as you say.
They attack you — your memory, your motives, your character or your credibility.
They present themselves as the one being wronged, and cast you as the aggressor.
DARVO Examples in Relationships
"I didn't read anything. And honestly, the fact that you're hiding things on your phone says a lot. I'm the one who should be upset here."
"I never yelled. You always exaggerate. You know how hard I've been trying, and you embarrass me by bringing this up? I can't believe you'd do this to me."
"Here we go again. Nothing I do is ever enough for you. Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to be constantly attacked?"
DARVO Examples at Work
"That never happened, and frankly I'm surprised you'd go behind my back like this. I've supported you from day one, and this is how you repay me?"
"I don't know what you're talking about. You've been difficult to work with for months, and now you're trying to make me look bad to cover for yourself."
How to Recognize DARVO
Why It Works
DARVO is effective because it triggers empathy and self-doubt in the person raising the concern. When someone appears hurt, most people instinctively soften. When your memory is challenged, it is natural to wonder whether you got it wrong. Over time, you may stop raising concerns at all — which is often the point.
Freyd's research suggests that simply knowing what DARVO is can make people less likely to be swayed by it. Naming it is a form of protection.
How to Respond
Return to the original point. Calmly restate what you raised: "I understand you see it differently. I'm talking about what happened on Saturday."
Don't defend every accusation. You do not have to answer every counter-attack. Each one pulls you further from the topic.
Keep a written record. Notes made close to the time help you trust your own memory later.
Talk it through with someone outside. A friend, counselor or support line can help you see the conversation clearly.
Prioritize your safety. If confronting this person has led to threats or intimidation before, you do not owe them another confrontation. Reach out for support first.
If you are in danger or need to talk to someone now:
Spain: call 016 — free, confidential, 24/7 support for gender-based violence.
United States: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 — free, confidential, 24/7.
In an emergency, call 112 (EU) or 911 (US). Narclyze is an educational tool and is not a substitute for professional help.
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