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Part of Manipulation Tactics: Signs, Examples & Guides
Your phone buzzes. It is not the person you went no contact with. It is a cousin, a friend, a colleague or a parent. They are "just checking in". They "just want you two to work it out". They have heard "your side" and "his side" and would like you to be reasonable. If you have felt cornered by someone else's messenger, this guide explains what people mean by flying monkeys, why it works, and how to respond calmly, without having to fall out with everyone around you.
What "flying monkeys" means
"Flying monkeys" is an informal term, borrowed from the winged monkeys that serve the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz. In discussions of manipulative relationships it describes people who act on behalf of someone who is hurting you: carrying messages, applying pressure, gathering information about you, repeating a particular version of events or defending the person's behavior.
It is a popular term, not a clinical or academic one. When we searched PubMed and Europe PMC in October 2026, we found no studies that use it in this sense, so what follows draws on adjacent, better-documented ideas such as coercive control and family systems theory, and on guidance from advocacy organizations.
An important point: the people carrying those messages are very often not villains. Many are kind, worried and under-informed. They have usually been given a persuasive story and a reason to feel responsible for fixing things. Treating them as enemies tends to backfire, and it often serves the person who is using them.
Why it works
It borrows trust
You are more likely to listen to a sibling, a friend or a respected colleague than to the person who hurt you. When pressure comes from someone you care about, saying no feels like a betrayal of them as well.
It isolates you
Women's Aid describes coercive control as an intentional pattern of behavior over time to exert power, control or coercion over another person, and lists isolating someone from friends and family and monitoring their time among its behaviors. When the people around you are drawn into the story, you can end up isolated even without anyone cutting you off deliberately. They may stop speaking to you, or speak to you only in order to relay something.
It reopens the door you closed
If you have gone no contact or set a boundary, a message through someone else is a way around it. Our guide to hoovering covers how this fits the wider pattern of attempts to reconnect.
It controls the narrative
If a particular version of events is told first and told often, your account arrives second. That is the pattern we describe in our guide to smear campaigns.
It is a version of a triangle
In family systems theory, the Bowen Center describes a triangle as a three-person relationship system, the smallest stable one, because a two-person system tolerates little tension before involving a third person. Using a third party to carry tension or leverage is a deliberate form of that; see our article on triangulation.
Who the messengers can be
Not all of them act the same way, and the difference matters for how you respond.
| Type | What they are like | How to respond |
|---|---|---|
| The well-meaning peacemaker | Wants everyone to get along, repeats "both sides" | Be warm and clear: you are not discussing it, and you would like them not to pass messages |
| The convinced ally | Has accepted the other person's account and believes you are the problem | Do not argue the facts; protect your information and keep contact light |
| The pressured messenger | Is being guilt-tripped or manipulated into acting | Acknowledge their position, and encourage them to step back |
| The willing enforcer | Shares the other person's goals and may apply their own pressure | Limit contact and keep records; reduce what they know |
| The curious informant | Gathers news about you, sometimes casually | Share little; keep topics neutral |
Most people sit somewhere on a spectrum and can move along it. A peacemaker can become more understanding once they hear a calm, brief explanation. An enforcer rarely will.
If you have gone no contact or set a boundary, a message through someone else is a way around it.
Signs that someone is acting as a messenger
None of these proves that someone is a conscious messenger. Often a person picks up another's framing without noticing. The pattern, and the timing, are what to watch.
What it can sound like
"I'm not saying what happened was right, but life is short. He's really struggling and he just wants to talk to you. Can't you give him five minutes?"
"I've known her a long time and she would never do what you're saying. I think you're misunderstanding her."
"I heard you're seeing someone new. Is that true? I only ask because I'm worried about how she'll take it."
"Your mother is very upset. This is tearing the family apart. Do you really want to be the reason?"
"He says that if you don't call him today, he won't be responsible for what happens."
The last example is different in kind. A message that implies a threat, whether to harm someone or to harm himself, should be taken seriously whoever carries it. It is a reason to speak to a support line and, if there is any immediate risk, emergency services, not a reason to give in.
How to respond to messengers
You are not obliged to explain yourself to anyone. These approaches keep you steady while staying decent to people who may mean well.
Decide your line first
Choose one sentence you are comfortable repeating: "I'm not going to talk about that, but I hope you're well." Consistency matters more than eloquence.
Be kind, brief and clear
You can acknowledge someone's care without taking the message: "I know you care about us both. I'm not discussing this, and I'd like you not to pass messages in either direction."
Do not debate the facts
Arguing your account with a person who has heard the other one rarely changes minds, and it gives the messenger more to carry back. If you want to explain, do it once, calmly, in writing, and then step back.
Share less
Information you give to a messenger may be passed on. Keep exchanges light and avoid news about your plans, location, relationships or finances.
Choose who gets the full story
You may decide that one or two people need to understand more. Pick them carefully: people who are steady, discreet and likely to respect your boundaries.
Repeat if needed
Boundaries often need to be restated. The Hotline's guidance for supporters stresses that decisions about their lives are for the survivor to make, and that the people around them should not judge or guilt them over a choice. You are entitled to expect the same of your messengers.
Keep a record
If third parties repeatedly pressure, monitor or harass you, keep dated notes of what was said and by whom. The Hotline explains that documenting abuse can help survivors process complex emotions and serve as evidence if needed, and it offers guidance on storing records safely.
Plan for safety
If the contact includes threats, tracking, or turning up where you are, treat it as a safety issue. The Hotline's safety planning tools and the numbers at the end of this article are confidential. A personalized plan can also help: the Defense Playbook lets you build scripts and boundaries for a specific situation.
If you suspect you have been used as a messenger
It can be uncomfortable to realize that you have been carrying someone else's agenda. It is also very common, and it is not a moral failure. You can step out of the role without drama.
- Notice your motive. Are you trying to help, to keep peace, or to be relieved of someone's distress? All are human.
- Check what you have heard. You have heard one account. You have not heard the whole story, and you may be hearing a very selective version.
- Stop relaying. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have passed that on. I'm going to stay out of it" is enough.
- Do not judge the person who left. The Hotline's advice for friends and family includes not judging someone's decisions or guilting them over a choice, remembering that you cannot rescue them, and continuing to support them even if they end the relationship.
- Do not demonize the other person either. You do not need to take a side. You can decline to be a channel.
- Offer support, not pressure. "I'm here if you want to talk, and I won't push" keeps a door open without being a messenger.
If you are worried about a friend or relative who may be in an abusive relationship, the Hotline's page for supporters suggests helping them create a safety plan and staying supportive.
If the contact includes threats, tracking, or turning up where you are, treat it as a safety issue.
When the messenger is a child
Children should not be placed in the position of carrying messages, information or loyalty between adults. If you share children, keep communication directly between adults where it is safe, preferably in writing and focused on logistics. Our guide to the grey rock method has examples. If you believe a child is being used to pressure you, document it and consider talking to a qualified professional about your situation. This article does not give legal advice.
Putting it in context
Messengers are one piece of a broader picture. The other pieces, including guilt, isolation, hoovering and smear campaigns, are described in our overview of 14 manipulation tactics. If you are trying to understand why the pull to respond is so strong, our article on trauma bonding explains why attachment can persist, even when the relationship has ended.
Frequently asked questions
Are flying monkeys always doing it on purpose?
No. Many are acting in good faith on incomplete information. Some are under pressure from the person using them. A smaller number share the other person's aims and act deliberately.
Should I cut off everyone who passes messages?
Not necessarily. Many people can be won over with a clear, kind boundary, and cutting people off may isolate you further. Keep your boundaries consistent, and limit contact only with those who keep crossing them.
What if my family takes their side?
It is painful and common. You can love your family and still decline to discuss the situation. Keep contact on topics you choose, reduce what you share, and find support elsewhere, such as friends, a counselor or a survivors' group.
How do I tell a friend who genuinely cares from a messenger?
Look at what happens when you set a boundary. A friend respects it, even if they are sad. A messenger keeps returning to the same request on someone else's behalf.
Can I ask a messenger to tell the other person something?
It is usually better not to. A message that goes through a third party can be reshaped. If you need to communicate, do it directly, briefly and, if you can, in writing.
What if the pressure includes threats?
Take it seriously. Keep a record, avoid responding to the threat, and contact a support line. If you believe someone may be in immediate danger, call your local emergency number: 112 in the EU, 911 in the United States.
Sources
- Women's Aid. Coercive control. womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control
- National Domestic Violence Hotline. Ways to support a domestic violence survivor. thehotline.org/support-others/ways-to-support-a-domestic-violence-survivor
- The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family. Triangles. thebowencenter.org/triangles
- National Domestic Violence Hotline. Plan for safety. thehotline.org/plan-for-safety
- National Domestic Violence Hotline. Documenting abuse. thehotline.org/resources/documenting-abuse
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